What I’ve Learned From Working With American-Born Chinese Singles
Over the years, I have met many American-born Chinese singles through my work as a matchmaker.
Of course, everyone is different. Some grew up speaking Chinese at home. Some barely speak it. Some are very close to Chinese culture and traditions. Others see themselves as American first and do not think much about cultural background when dating.
But after many conversations, I have noticed something interesting.
For many ABC singles, dating is not only about finding the right person.
There is often another question underneath it:
How much should my cultural background matter when I choose a partner?
“Amy, I’m Open.”
This is something I hear often.
When I ask about cultural or ethnic preferences, many ABC clients tell me:
“I’m open.”
And I believe them.
They may have dated Chinese, Asian, White, Latino, or people from other backgrounds. They grew up in the United States. Their friends are diverse. Their workplaces are diverse. Their lives are already multicultural.
So ethnicity may genuinely not be the first thing they think about when they meet someone.
But as we talk more deeply, the answer often becomes more interesting.
Someone may say ethnicity does not matter, but then tell me:
“I want someone who understands my family.”
Or:
“I don’t want to explain everything about Chinese culture.”
Or:
“My parents don’t need to choose for me, but I still want them to feel comfortable with the person.”
That tells me something important.
Sometimes what matters is not ethnicity itself.
It is being understood.
Parents Matter — Even When They Don’t Make the Decision
Another thing I have noticed is that many ABC clients are very independent.
They have their own careers, their own homes, their own social circles, and their own ideas about relationships.
They are not asking their parents to choose a husband or wife for them.
But that does not mean their parents do not matter.
When a relationship becomes serious, family often enters the picture.
Will my parents like this person?
Can they communicate?
Will this person understand why I spend so much time with my family?
What happens during Chinese New Year or Thanksgiving?
What happens when our parents get older?
These may sound like small questions when two people first start dating.
In a long-term relationship, they can become very real.
I do not see this as simply “traditional Chinese parents versus modern American children.”
Usually, it is much more human than that.
Parents want their children to have a stable and happy life.
Their children want the same thing.
They may just define the path differently.
Sometimes People Discover Their Chinese Side Later
I have also seen something else.
When people are younger, culture may not feel very important.
You are building your career. You are meeting people. You are living your own life.
Then, at some point, marriage becomes more real.
Suddenly, questions that did not matter at 25 can matter at 35.
What kind of family do I want?
Do I want my children to understand Chinese?
Do I want them to know their grandparents well?
What traditions do I want to keep?
How involved do I want our families to be?
This does not mean someone suddenly becomes “more Chinese.”
I think it means that when we start thinking about building a family, we also start thinking about where we came from.
That can change what compatibility means.
Two Chinese Americans Are Not Automatically a Match
This is also something I explain to parents.
Sometimes parents hear “Chinese” and immediately feel relieved.
But from a matchmaking perspective, that tells me very little.
Two ABC singles can have completely different lives.
One may be very family-oriented. The other may value independence.
One may want children soon. The other may be unsure.
One may enjoy Chinese traditions. The other may have almost no connection with them.
Their communication styles, money habits, careers, personalities, and expectations about marriage may be completely different.
A shared cultural background can make some things easier.
But it cannot create compatibility by itself.
The opposite is also true.
Two people from different cultural backgrounds may understand each other extremely well.
The Question I Care About Is Not “Chinese or Non-Chinese?”
When I work with someone, I do need to understand their preferences.
But I am usually more interested in the reasons behind those preferences.
If you tell me you prefer someone Chinese, I want to understand why.
Is it language?
Family?
Food and lifestyle?
Shared childhood experiences?
Future children?
A feeling of familiarity?
If you tell me ethnicity does not matter, I also want to understand what does matter.
Maybe you need someone who is comfortable around your family.
Maybe you want someone ambitious but not consumed by work.
Maybe emotional communication is much more important to you than cultural background.
Maybe you want someone who understands both independence and family responsibility.
Those details tell me much more than checking a box marked “Chinese.”
One of the Hardest Things Is Separating Your Preferences From Everyone Else’s
This may be one of the most important conversations I have with clients.
What do you want?
Not what your parents want.
Not what your friends think you should want.
Not what looks impressive on a dating profile.
Not what seems appropriate based on your age, education, income, or background.
What kind of person actually makes your life better?
For some ABC singles, the answer will be someone who shares a very similar Chinese American background.
For others, it will not.
Both answers are completely fine.
What matters is understanding yourself clearly enough to know the difference between a preference that comes from you and an expectation that you have simply carried for a long time.
As a matchmaker, that is often where I start.
Before I think about who I can introduce to you, I want to understand the life you are trying to build.
Because I am not matching two résumés.
I am trying to understand whether two people can actually build a life together.